It was destiny’s song before we met, but I didn’t know it until long after I woke. She was a teenager. Somehow, she came to me, as she once was. A time long before her heart became callused and bruised, even broken. Before she lost hope and faith, or maybe a time before I lost mine. It was as if she was with me in a dream, sharing the deepest feeling of love we ever experienced together. She was not cold, or mean, or damaged. Her body language and her eyes showed me she was completely healed. She was looking directly into my eyes, something she had not done since we parted.
We were walking arm in arm as if we were again in love. Time was irrelevant to our circumstances, circumstances that split us apart as if a giant dagger had been plunged into our hearts and split our souls. As we walked down a golden pathway there was no direction, no sense of time, or urgency or motion. It did not matter. All I could focus on were her eyes. We were older now but her eyes were as young as the first day I saw her, somehow even younger.
We were walking arm in arm. She was focused completely on me and I on her. I don’t know how we were walking, as we didn’t look to see where we were going and for some reason we didn’t have to. We were walking as if we were being guided by a divine source and did not need sight. We were feeling our way along the path. There were twists and turns as if we were in a maze and yet there was no structure to it. Nothing had color or substance, but I could feel her and she could feel me. She was flirting, laughing, and smiling; more so than ever before. Even though we spent many years together, I had never seen her like this. I was happier than I had ever been. The feeling was euphoric, as if we were in heaven itself. Even so, I knew I was dreaming. It was an experience reminiscent of the angel of love who came to me when I was waking from surgery, in agony, with painkillers next to useless. But this felt more real. Here I was completely aware of everything and I was not drugged. I was with my destiny again and our souls were somehow brought back together.
As we walked, she was teasing me, flirting with me, kissing my cheeks lightly and holding my hand, guiding me along that bright golden path. I was confused as to where we were and I could not understand how we were together. My heart was no longer empty. Somehow, she lost all her animosity towards me and was released from her own pain. This was a place with no pain, no remorse, no fear, nothing but love. Love was all I could feel. I tried to understand what was happening and where we were. I couldn’t figure any of it out. This was not the place I was when I came out of surgery. It was as if I entered her heart and she entered mine. It was as if time was irrelevant and simultaneously, we were in the future, the past, and the now. Everything I had hoped and prayed for after we were torn apart was happening in real time and everything that had happened before was gone. Anything that was not pure love did not exist. It was as if time had stopped to bring us together in the most loving place. It was heaven, or so it seemed.
As we walked she would lightly let go of my hand, reassuring me she was not going anywhere. As she did she would run her fingertips along my wrist and fingers until the tips of our fingers would separate. At the exact moment our fingers would lose contact, simultaneously, somehow our other hand would connect again. She would be instantaneously behind me or beside me in a new location. Touching me, caressing me, hugging me, passing through me. My heart was growing and the love was overwhelming and at the same time, calming and reassuring. I would hug her, squeeze her hands and look into her eyes. I could not break eye contact and for some reason neither one of us was blinking. Every time she let go she would change her position as if she was weightless. She could move without a gap in contact although I could tell by our touch, she was letting go.
We were walking but it felt more like swimming, as there was no gravity even though our feet were touching some form of surface. We would turn a corner and she would mysteriously disappear and reappear, hugging my heart again, from a different place. I couldn’t understand how we were moving. It took no effort. Our eyes could see into each other’s eyes from every angle. It was primal and peaceful and warm. It was the greatest love I have ever felt. The euphoria lasted for what seemed to be hours, days, years, decades, forever… timeless, but instantaneous at the same time.
A cold burst of freezing air chilled my body to the point that it woke me. I opened my eyes to the realization that I was dreaming and she was gone. I remembered everything, but the feeling in my heart lasted only for the briefest of moments. And then reality, gravity and time came back instantaneously. I shut my window as fast as I could. I again closed my eyes and willed myself back to sleep. I pulled the blanket over my head. If it was in my dream she was coming to me, I wanted to dream again, I wanted that feeling to continue, more than life itself.
I laid there trying to avoid focusing on anything that would keep me from sleep. It was to no avail. Sleep eluded me. It was early in the morning. I opened a bottle of wine as fast as I could and tried to sedate myself, so I would sleep again. That attempt failed as well. That incredible love was gone. If it was a dream, it was not like any I ever experienced prior. It was as if I was taken to heaven and back. Then as if by Gods hand, decades of confusion and anguish were gone. I knew I was now able to love again. The cracks in my heart had finally healed. She was not my destiny. I know now my destiny is still waiting for me somewhere. No longer would I simply wait for her to find me. I would now start again searching for her.