I wrote several songs for my rock star long after we broke-up.” Tomorrows not so far away, she’ll come back and she’ll come back and stay. So, close your eyes now and go to sleep and pray to god her soul he’ll keep… “The first couple of lines from one of those songs, “Tomorrow,” which still resonates deep within my soul. I have sung that song for other chapters since then. Love with my rock star was an organic reaction. It was a reaction I have felt and shared so many times. I still do not understand it, despite the scientific evidence proving love at first sight is in fact, a legitimate and very real phenomenon.
There is no explanation for it, but some say they fell in love the moment they first laid eyes on one another. If ever in my life I was so smitten, she was the one. I had not heard her voice in over twenty years, but after a single word “, John,” my heart started beating uncontrollably and I felt the love as strongly as I did the last time I saw her. It was decades ago and it was a true heartbreak. Until I heard her voice again, I did not realize I was carrying the loss with me for all that time. She was my rock star.
Anyone who looks back on his or her chapters of love knows that love can ignite in a millisecond. It doesn’t always grow stronger over long periods of time. Nor does love have to last forever to be true love. Or does it? In this case, we were together for years. We planned on spending our lives together. I had just moved back to Long Island from New York City. Not long afterwards I met her on the Long Island Rail Road. I was recovering from a relationship with my NYC neighbor that taught me a lesson about love or what I thought was love. As such, I was not looking at that moment. When I saw her, I was stopped dead in my tracks. I mustered up the courage to speak to her, as I was quite shy despite the act I put on. I do not know why she even spoke to me. She was not just pretty, but stunningly beautiful. Men would constantly stare at her. I was no exception.
She was my rock star. She was a creative, musical genius, who played many instruments. I should mention that she had the best rhythm of any lover I have ever been with. We would literally plan our social life around sex and would engage in sex at the most inappropriate of places and times. We would screw around in the basement of her parent’s home. In the midst of this, her dad would wander downstairs. One Thanksgiving, during dinner, I went to use the upstairs bathroom. She followed me upstairs. She was wearing a short jeans skirt and tight white shirt with no underwear. She coaxed me into doing it right there. Everyone must have heard her moaning. It was virtually impossible that they didn’t. She was bent over the sink. I was behind her. Her skirt was lifted just above her waist. I can envision that moment in my mind’s eye to this day. We would do it in her above ground pool, even when her parents were home. We did it in my small apartment in the lower level of my parent’s house. We did it everywhere. We went on many camping adventures and just hung out, mostly with her other girlfriends. She never knew it but they all hit on me. I thought that if I went for it, she and her girlfriends would have wanted us to all be together…group sex therapy of sorts. I never accepted her friend’s offers, but they were there.
She had absolutely no idea I was diagnosed with a terminal condition, nor was there any reason for her to think that a man in his twenties was sick. She simply thought something changed when I drove her away. That was possibly the most life changing decision I ever made. I went for what was supposed to be a routine physical. My blood tests and EKG came back abnormal. When I didn’t pass the physical I was shocked. I was even more shocked to hear a diagnosis that included, “don’t make any long-term plans.” I was terrified. We were to be married in a year.
I had to find a way to break-up quickly, without self-destructing and without breaking her heart. I decided to move our plans up so drastically she would reject the idea. I figured forcing the issue, of marriage and immediately having children would damage our relationship and she would bolt. We were young and both nervous about marriage as it was. This was despite the love we had for each other. The reality of it was that it did not take much for her to leave. Aside from the passing of my father, I never cried so much in my life. At the time, I was not sure if it was for her or the fact that my life literally did “flash before my eyes.” It was bad. I started to self-destruct and sabotage our relationship within days of my diagnosis. I was put on one of the first anti-depressant medications, which only made things worse. It made me feel invincible and I went into denial about my condition shortly afterwards.
Despite the fact I thought it better to drive her away than to leave her a newlywed widow, I was torn. I loved her too much to just leave her. Driving her away would protect her from going to my funeral either just prior to or just after we would marry. I knew something was wrong long before we broke off our engagement. I was constantly getting pains in my chest and arms. As a life-long athlete, that was simply not supposed to be happening. A misdiagnosis of possible asthma was the only thing that made me believe things weren’t as bad as they felt. Maybe I wanted to be fooled, but with symptoms like mine, one knows something is very wrong.
For twenty years, I thought she left me far too easily and the never tried to reach out to me. So, I always felt I loved her more than she loved me. After all, why did she run away so fast when I gave her the opportunity? I am sure that seeing me in tears when we were together caused her concern, but she never spoke about it. It was humiliating. I never explained, so she must have wondered what the fuck was going on. I know I would have freaked out if the roles were reversed.
I loved her more than I had loved anyone before and I never thought I could love anyone more. It also meant I would die alone. I would die without leaving my bloodline intact. It was a devastating thought to believe that I would die before even starting my life. But, it was what I was told and what I believed. Back then, doctors were considered gods and we never questioned a diagnosis. You just accepted it as a fact. What saved me was that medical science developed one step ahead of my demise. I was told walking would help, so prior to that, I compensated by walking three to five hours per day, waiting for the next breakthrough.
When we met for lunch she was as beautiful as she was the last time I saw her. It was if she lived in a time warp. She did not look a day older. She was as “Jessica Alba” gorgeous as she was when we were together. Twenty years later she was just as hot. The sexual tension was unbearable.
She learned about my condition from an actress whom I was producing an entertainment series with. One night, my co-producer asked me who the love of my life was. She was curious as to who was” the one that got away.” It was a question no one had ever asked me. Most assumed it was my former wife. At that moment, her name came into my heart. I told my co-producer the story. All of it. How I drove my former love away without telling her about my death sentence. As fate would have it, my co-producer would meet her years later and tell her. When we met, the first thing she asked me was why I never told her. I said I just did not have the heart to leave her as a widow. It was a powerful emotional moment. I never thought I would see her again. My co-producer had other ideas.
We started seeing each other again. She was, for the most part single .Getting together not only provided some closure, but also the opportunity to share romantic moments again. She swore her husband had a girlfriend who he was in love with, so it was morally acceptable to me. Our sexual encounters were just as special as they were when we first were together. I gather sexual compatibility does not change, even over decades. We continued to see each other for quite some time, but we both knew that we could not turn back the clock and erase all that had come between us. Once, while she was going down on me in my car, I wondered if I died and went to heaven. I dreamed of that moment for decades. I do not know that I ever loved anyone with as much passion. She was a tremendously talented lover and just as passionate as she was decades earlier.
We drifted apart again eventually. I probably would have married her if she were open to it at the time. I was helplessly in love with her. She had become so much more of a woman than I ever imagined she would be. At the time, despite decades of surgeries, I was still waiting for the final surgery that would give me back my life. I didn’t think it would be fair to have her fall in love with me again, as my life was still in jeopardy. Funny how life repeats itself, Actually, not funny at all.
At one point, she admitted that the cash she had generating from a small business I helped her build, was going towards some pretty serious drugs. This was while we were engaged. I lost a lot of respect for her. It took the steam out of our renewed relationship.
Afterwards, I accepted the fact that she was not the woman I thought she. At one point she came to my studio with a male musician. She said that he was a potential client and was buttering him up…flirting furiously, even taking her clothing off for some shots. I thought she was trying very hard to hold onto me, but it became very apparent that we were long past a lifetime of love. Our chapter(s) of love were over.
I thought I knew everything about her. I didn’t know she was freebasing cocaine. That was something I would never tolerate. I have often thought that if she were in a better place when we were younger and my diagnosis was not so severe, we would have married. Fulfilled destiny is not something you often find, even with those you love. I know in my heart that I will always love her and I hope she has a happy and fulfilling life. She is a musician, an extremely talented one. Perhaps one day I will be the subject of one of her songs, as she was the inspiration for many of mine. I truly considered our chapters of love as memorable as any I have ever shared.
Chapters Of Love 